'I Didn't Think You Cared Anyway'

This sentence has made me understand a few things over the past year. It was said twice to me in a 24 hour time span some time ago. I think I finally understand why it was said to me. I couldn't understand at the time.

This is a hard post for me to write today as I'm laying a few things out on the table for myself. Not so much for Theo, but in the end he'll read it and hopefully apply the main message to his own life in the future.

I've been paying for a single mistake for more than 20 years. A single mistake that anyone has likely made in their past...but that has led to me becoming a black sheep for some. I'm not going to lay out my dirty laundry here. This is all I will say in this regard.

But I am slowly coming to terms with this issue. I'm not liking it, but identifying a problem (and writing this down) is hopefully a first step to determining how to deal with it so that it slowly ceases to affect you. Me. I haven't done very well in this regard, but I'm working on this.

Back to that sentence...it was used as a weapon on me - with the full knowledge that I do care - even about those that have hurt me. A lot. Always have. It hurt.

Today that sentence was not said, but...it hung there in space. Solidified by the way I was being treated. With little respect. With lack of respect in the tone words were being said.

I was upset at the time. Rightfully so. The issue wasn't huge, but the lack of respect - after a minor oversight - that was in some ways a big issue for me. So I reacted. I don't like reacting.

I have rarely 'turned the other cheek'. Maybe I should re-learn a bit more about this concept. I used to know quite a bit about it (never quite willingly, but it had to be done)...but then I grew up and left and built my own life.

'I didn't think you cared anyway'...The first time this sentence was said to me I was stunned. But I reacted. Correctly I believe. The second time in those 24 hours I did the same. And then I mourned. For probably about two weeks. I lost count. It could have been longer. I was severely depressed. Then I got ahold of myself.

I won't mourn again, but I will make changes. Changes that are good for me and my family!

What have I learned from this sentence? And that it was said to me? I have learned that I will not be able to change some things. I can't change people's perceptions. Not if they're this entrenched. I shouldn't change myself as some external perceptions are simply that - other peoples' perceptions. I need to treat them as such and not seek to find their source in me.

The source is not in me. It's elsewhere. It is found in someone else's reality and in the way in which humans attempt to manifest a form of reality that nurtures/attempts to heal their own wounds. Which does not necessarily nurture someone else. It's not ego I'm talking about. Just people trying to save themselves in the face of life...be that when we were young at school, within family dynamics, with former partners when relationships didn't work out...the way this rolls out in general is not necessarily ok, but it is everywhere.

I think I need to continue to learn about myself. Admit things. To myself. Not be so bloody hard on myself. I've started working on this over the past year. I'm making progress. I was thrown for a bit of a loop today. It's over now. I'm me and should not try to make myself fit someone else's image of me. Or accept their perception of me when I know who I really am! And I will not let a personal reaction to these external perceptions of me (not believing in myself, like things are my fault) affect my family. I can't. It is over now!

I know that I'm not alone in all of this either. Jamie and Theo are with me and love me. For a reason. Here I go and talk about other people's perceptions again. But these ones do count!

Writing this down is good.